Tuesday, June 10, 2014


Shoot! It’s the Nutribullet!

One of the risks of turning on the telly before 9am is being assailed by relentlessly cheery, cheesy teleshopping adverts. I caught one this morning, the TV still being tuned to the Horror Channel from last night’s Doctor Who (if you’ve not been watching their terrific selection, start today: they’ve got three showings of The Deadly Assassin, simply the best story in the series’ history), but before my dulled not-a-morning-person reflexes could switch over, I was captivated. Or, more accurately, laughing like a hyena. A new food blender for dieters? Yeuch. But wait! It has two unique selling points.

A great big blending machine for grinding unappetising veg and seeds to a pulp to make your own still more unappetising ‘health food drink’. Dull. Disgusting. How can we sell this?

Brilliant Idea One!

Make the transparent shield slightly more curved than usual (though not actually pointy) and call it the Nutribullet!

Frankly, I don’t know why they didn’t go the whole macho hog and make it the Nutribullet 5000.

But wait! That’s not all (as other good telesales pap says)!

This has conquered the idea of a food mixer not being cool to have on your shelf, they think. Why, it’s almost like having a bazooka in your kitchen, and who wouldn’t want that?

They then come up with the acronym “SBBAF!” to suggest what to put in it, which sounds like a vaguely pornographic sound effect but is in fact a list of ingredients that makes my stomach heave just looking at them, so I’m not going to type them all. But imagine if you will that you’ve conquered the urge to projectile vomit at the assembly stage and have thrashed some poor vegetable matter into pulp.

It’s still vile, undrinkable pulp that no-one on Earth wants to touch. So how can they make people want to drink it?

Brilliant Idea Two!

Here is the genius part.

Obviously, the exterminated vegetables would too thick a paste to swallow, so the key is that you add water as you blast them beyond death and they come out as a drink-like slurry in their own built-in mug (mug being an appropriate word). Then, presumably, you could hold your nose and think of England. Except...

But wait!
“Simply add water – or your liquid of choice – and watch how the power of the Nutribullet breaks everything down!”
And then:
“Just add ice and you’ll also be able to make quick, delicious icy Summer drinks.”
It’s not just a diet: it’s a mixer.

Pass me a litre of gin and put two small berries in the grinder (because grinder is an anagram of “Derr! Gin!”). Cheers – I’m ready for another Nutribullet breakdown!

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