Wednesday, January 24, 2007



The Prime Minister has announced a compromise with Archbishop of York Dr John Sentamu, who on this morning’s Today Programme claimed that “We’re totally against discrimination, absolutely no doubt about it,” but that a “balancing act” was needed so as not to discriminate against people who are totally in favour of discrimination.

A comprehensive overhaul of anti-discrimination laws to avoid offence to conscientious bigots like Dr Sentamu begins today. Among the first measures announced are that hoteliers who don’t wish to cater to ‘that sort’ (delete ‘sort’ as applicable) will once again be permitted to display ‘No Coloureds’ signs as they were before the anti-conscience discrimination introduced by nasty Old Labour in the 1970s, but with the compromise surely acceptable to all right-minded people that the hoteliers will be required to provide leaflets detailing where ‘that sort’ can stay instead. Such as brochures for Barbados.

Gay-run adoption agencies are to be permitted to turn away couples who admit to a religious orientation, as in all conscience the agencies believe that enforcing bigotry, superstition and self-loathing on kids is child abuse and vulnerable children must be protected from it.

The valuable work done by the British National Party in reaching out to those in the community who cannot, in all conscience, share public services with people who are insufficiently white, male, able-bodied, heterosexual or foaming at the mouth to meet their high moral standards will be supported through government grants.

A multi-faith outreach team will receive charitable funding to reach out, seize and kill heretics, blasphemers and apostates, as clearly set out as a matter of conscience in each of their holy books. The Government has agreed a compromise in which beating or stoning is to be used, as burning would not be in compliance with the UK’s emissions targets. Negotiations are finding a sticking point in whether all non-believers may be ritually murdered, or merely those who originate within the specified religious group, which of course the Government agrees is a matter for the consciences of the communities concerned. ‘However,’ Mr Blair announced, ‘I’m pleased that in a positive example of inter-faith dialogue, the religious denominations involved have already agreed their own timetable to start butchering each other as heathen only once they’ve successfully co-operated to eliminate each of their own communities’ nay-sayers, critics and free-thinkers.’

Some Christians petitioning the Government, however, have been given short shrift. One group claims to base their ideas on a little-known fundamentalist Christian text called the ‘Bible’, and faddishly abandon traditional Church teaching that only sexual obsession is next to godliness in favour of cult oppositions to bearing false witness, attacking mums and dads (including gay ones), selling on stolen peerages, incessant images of Tony, killing (even in far-off oil-rich countries), and bearing false witness in order to get Parliament to agree to mass killing (notably in far-off oil-rich countries). Their request to be able to deny access to practising members of the Labour Party on these grounds has been denied. ‘It is ridiculous for them to claim that this is anything to do with conscience,’ said Mr Blair. ‘They are merely posturing for political reasons.’

More on this story later (and no fake quotes from Dr Sentamu were involved in this post).

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