Monday, September 27, 2021


Labour’s Ten Holy Rules of Political Parties

The Tory Government is in a catastrophic mess, their incompetence, callousness and obsessive Brexit all responsible for such food and fuel shortages that they’re temporarily retreating even on their one core ‘hating foreigners’ policy.

Instead of Labour calling for practical solutions – rejoin the Single Market – the Labour Conference turns its fire on itself to fight its next Leadership election, while Labour MPs boast of the “hard truth” that they were happiest when losing their worst election since 1935.

Well, of course. Labour is never happier than when the Tories are in power: Labour need make no decisions, take no responsibility and have no message beyond ‘We’re s—t, and we know we are, but oooohh! The Tories! Scary!’ so they can get on with fighting any party but the Tories in the name of purity.

In May I wrote a Twitter thread on Labour’s attitude to political parties. Back then, I was inspired by Labour’s actions after losing votes and seats in elections. Labour in London – where Tories, Greens and Lib Dems on the London Assembly proposed sharing chairs between all four parties; Labour demanded all or nothing, then walked out, so the others shared them out. Labour, having gone off in a strop, spins this as a “coalition” despite Labour’s Mayor having the administration and the Assembly chairs being there only to hold the Mayor to account. Meanwhile, Labour in Stockport – where they lost a seat in this year’s local elections, so the Lib Dems are now the largest party on the Council? Stockport Labour and the Conservatives did an actual deal together to keep Labour in power-sharing with Tories. So…

For anyone confused about Labour’s attitude to any political party, remember Labour’s 10 Holy Rules:

1) The Tories are the ultimate evil, nothing could possibly be worse, any voters voting for them or parties talking to them are forever damned, we don’t want your votes!

2) We can’t understand why you don’t vote for us! Why don’t you just vote Tory! That’ll scare you off voting Tory.

3) The Labour Party is always right, the fountain of all holy goodness.

4) Not that bit of the Labour Party, they’re worse than Tories.

5) No, you can’t tell which bit of the Labour Party is holy by checking who’s racist / sexist / homophobic / transphobic. Holiness is found not in deeds but revealed truth.

6) Only we can reveal the truth (but don’t ask us to explain, or we might call you a Tory)!

7) Election day: Lib Dems / Greens are just Tories, their votes are Tory, vote for them and you’re a Tory, don’t vote Tory, any party but Labour is a Tory!

8) Day after election: Labour technically won because Lib Dems / Greens are really Labour votes and they count for us.

9) Labour should go into coalition with the Tories (e.g. Stockport Council) to keep out Lib Dems or Greens.

10) Only by embracing Tory Brexit, agreeing with all Tory policies and wiping out all parties that are not Tory can Labour overcome the Tories. Disagree? You’re a Tory!

Bonus Labour fact: on this day in 1999, the Labour Government was defeated in the courts after fighting for two and a half years to keep the ban on bi and gay people serving in the armed forces. Having spent millions of pounds defending discrimination, Labour spin then claimed the credit for dropping the ban only after being forced to stop it by the courts. To this day they pretend they were against inequality when the reality is they fought to protect it. Shameless!

Extra Bonus Labour fact: later in the afternoon actually today! Labour Conference rejects proportional representation. As always, Labour will go to any length to protect the Tories having absolute power (but with the chance of Labour getting absolute power once every thirty years) if the alternative is Labour sharing any power with any party that isn’t Labour-Tory.

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