Monday, July 20, 2009


Sex and Swine Flu: That Government U-Turn In Full

Andy Burnham has just given a rather muted interview on Today in which, immediately after a doctor’s medical advice on swine flu, he was desperate not to give any recommendations at all. Here’s the full transcript: ‘Mmmwah wah mmmwah wah mmwah don’t ask me mmmwah wah mmwah it’s not my fault mmmwah wah mmwah medical professionals mmmwah wah mmwah you’re not getting me like that Tory who force-fed his kids the Burgers of Death…’

Combined with this morning’s ash and sackcloth from Damian McBride (“The Prime Minister was so angry he could hardly talk…” ‘…But he could still throw things’), we can now reconstruct with confidence the discussion Mr Burnham had with Mr Brown over the weekend that led to the Labour Government suddenly changing its mind on whether having children right now was dangerous or not.
The Scene: Downing Street. GORDON and ANDY are having a meeting. A giant plasma TV screen in the background is showing a montage of pregnant women in facemasks and ill-looking people all criticising the government.

ANDY: But, Prime Minister, with pregnant women at increased risk, the medical advice that people should consider not starting a family just now was entirely sensible…

GORDON: So, Burnham. With Labour at 23% in the opinion polls, with the economy going down the toilet, with people all over the place losing their jobs and with nothing else to do, you took it upon yourself to boost our popularity by saying that THE LABOUR PARTY WANTS TO BAN SHAGGING?!?

GORDON picks up the giant plasma TV screen and smashes it over ANDY’s head. ANDY’s face is seen poking through the frame’s crackling remains, looking even more dazed than usual.

Fx: ‘wah wah wah wahhh’ sound.

Cut to U-turn.
Mr Quist, as ever, has a more serious consideration of the “farce” over health advice.

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